After caring for and watching my grandma go to her Heavenly home, I have been very introspective and in some areas critical of my behaviors. I realize that I have what I am calling "caregiver survivor's guilt," but not in the way most people would see it. It is like survivor's guilt in that it affects those of us left behind, but it is specific to those of us who were caregivers whose worlds revolved around the person under our care. I guess the best way to explain it is that it's a feeling of relief in some ways and then one of guilt over feeling relieved.
For example, I was on vacation, and we were hiking in the mountains. We got to this beautiful spot and I thought "If Grandma was still here I would not feel this peaceful right now." Why? Because I would have been worrying that something could go wrong at home and I had no cell coverage. I would have been anxious about being 12 hours away from her to begin with. After those thoughts I immediately started crying. I felt awful about myself for thinking those things.
More recently, when my home school co-op started I was much more relaxed because I was not worried about Grandma being at home alone and needing me. Then when I realized what I was feeling, the guilt kicked in.
Please do not get me wrong. I felt it was a blessing to take care of her, and I would gladly deal with the worry and sometimes inconvenience for even one more day with her—and therein lies the conflict. After you've been so focused on someone's care and they are gone, the inconveniences are gone as well. When you acknowledge the ease that brings your life, you get conflicted and feel guilty. It makes me feel like I am saying that I am relieved she passed, instead of that I am relieved that the demands of scheduling and worry associated with her condition are gone.
I am wondering if any of you have felt this way. How do you deal with your "caregiver survivor's guilt?" Right now it is a daily struggle for me, and I would love to hear how some of you cope.
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